this is called 'absurd'

last night, i went to the institute seminar and came home with uplifted feeling.

but my landlorad kept knocking at my door so long, i wondered why.

"did you look for me?" i asked.

"you have to move out by Sunday." alexandrina said.

"what??????????" my tired eyes were wide opened at such a shocking news.

"i am also moving out. everyone's moving out by sunday. if someone doesn't move out by sunday, the marshal is coming to lock all the doors." she said.

"why??????????"

"the landlord doesn't like me having many people" and showed me the eviction notice from the court.

at first, i was confused since she couldn't explain the situation clearly in english. i was a bit frustrated. i haven't felt that way for a very very long time.

but as i was looking at the eviction notice, i realized what that innocent looking landlord had been doing in the past.

she hasn't paid the rent which all of us who lived in that apt paid to her to the actual management company. so the company sued her, and there was the court order.

my gosh!!!!!!!!!!

all this time, i surely believed that alexandrina is such a nice person. she sometimes let me pay the rent late. even though sometimes i felt so trapped in that little room and i never liked the next door guy using all my hair products, toothpaste and even the lazor (as soon as i figured that he was using my pink-colored lazor, i never touched it again. i felt so gross.), it was the place of rest for me for the past year. it started as a temporay place, but ended up staying longer than i thought. the rent was cheap even though i never liked the neighborhood, the creepy looking guys hanging around in the neighborhood which had kept me inside all the time when i was at home. but it was still my home. she can't just say 'move out' like that to me.

but i knew there was no option and so i didn't want to waste my energy and time to tell her how i felt. plus she wouldn't understand 1/3 of what i wanted to say.

so i walked back into my room, sat down on my bed for a while thinking "man when am i going to pack all these stuff?" "where am i going?" "what now?" but i couldn't think of nothing much except feeling empty and absurd.

i just taught about 'honesty' on last sunday, and i gave the challenge to class members to write down 'honesty/dishonesty journal' throughout this week. and there i was witnessing someone completely being dishonest with such an innocent face. i just didn't know how to react to this last night.

and so with limited options to move, i decided to move in with amy. she was very nice of taking me and even let me to sleep on her bed, and she would use the couch. although she kept saying that she loves to sleep on the couch, i know that she wanted to make me feel comfortable. i am so grateful that with such a short notice that someone will take me into their places and shares their home with me. i am going to stay there until the end of summer and will move in with cristi and probably with jess for fall.

so here i am now looking at all the stuff i need to pack, but feeling no desire to do so whatsoever. i remember last year around this time feeling very vulnerable after i found and moved into this place. i was feeling devastated from leaving a friend alone and feeling lonely, and feeling left alone, and feeling sort of abandoned by someone i really really liked. i regretted that time and my decisions a lot afterwards. however, i couldn't change what had happened, but feeling stupid. sometimes i really really wish that i could go back and change things around.

i think this apt was a freedom i enjoyed a lot, but at the same time it represented the isolation of my heart in many ways. anyway, sa yo na ra "580 W. 161st apt 32, NY, NY 10032"

i hope only good things will happen at the new place surrounded by dang good people. =)

the prayer

lessons learned from the stake conference on 5/20/07

flying without wings

"And you're the place my life begins
and you'll be where it ends
I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy you bring
I'm flying without wings"

-westlife

the law of conception

everything in life starts out from 'a thought'
whatever you think becomes things in life, and those things create circumstances of life.
either you can be a master of your thought or you become its servant and be controlled.

today i was reading an article on some paper, and it was talking about how 'a thought' can change the whole thing in your life and lead to the circumstances that were created as a product of 'a thought' which becomes the reality.

the story of a man who was frozen to death in a cold storage truck.

-a guy worked for unloading the truck which was fully loaded with the frozen meats, and when he finished unloading, he jumped into a cold truck to take a quick and cool break for just a few moments. but he eventually fell asleep. and the driver started driving not knowing that the worker was inside the truck sleeping. after the guy wokend up, he realized that the truck was hitting the road with high speed. and this very moment, the guy was literally horrified and terrified with a thought that he might be frozen to death soon. he shouted as loud as possible for help, but his hope of getting out of the truck slowly died in him. and the truck was on the road for another few days. eventually, the guy slowly died inside the truck. his lips were blue, and his skin was frozen leaving no senses.

when the driver stopped the truck to load somethings back into the truck, he was shocked after finding a guy frozen to death.

but he wondered 'how could he have frozen to death when the freezing system of the truck was turned off?' the truth is that the driver didn't need to turn on the freezing system after he unloaded all the goods.

this incident had made a top story on the news back then. even the FBI investiaged the mysterious death of the worker.

the FBI commented on the report of the deceased worker that his death was caused by 'a conception' which means that his conception controlled over his will, emotions, and even his physical body that he would be frozen to death in a cold storage truck at the moment when a thought overcame him thatt he got stuck in there forever. and that conception eventually left him a corpse in a truck without a freezing system.

--

whatever we think, we find ourselves leading into and following that direction.
this is called the 'law of conception'
a thought can be scary. the unseen air we breathe in can be a deadly weapon which threathens peoples' lives when it goes under the minus 1000 degree(i don't know how to calculate that in ferenhite). i say 'a thought' can be this air which can be the unseen and unexpected deadly weapon.

since i have had some conversations with people who suffered their hearts recently, i would like to say that when we feel pain in our hearts, how about we let 'a thought' rest for a while?
like we have a physical fasting, we should have a 'thought fasting'
like newton found the laws of motion when he saw the apple falling off the tree. it happened when he rested himself from constant thinking of inventions. and like buddha came to realization when he saw the stars in the dawn under a tree after doing the long-suffering ascetic practices just for a quick break.

a power and strength of a thought can go over the limit your imagination.
if we want to live a life the life we want, the life we long for, how about we change this 'one thought' i am sure we can have different perspectives on our lives, and our lives will never be the same.

what is Love?

the other day while sitting on the subway, i looked outside for a moment and saw a couple standing and looking at each other. they were probably saying goodbye for the day before departing to their daily journey. i was watching them as if i was watching a scene from a movie.
after they kissed & held each others' hands, they turned around to go about their ways.
first, the woman turned around and saw her loved one, but the man didn't turned around and kept walking. so the woman turned back and started walking, but that's when the man turned around to see her, and he stopped and watched her walking, and in that moment she turned around to see him once more. so they finally saw each other and waved hands at each other and walked away with a smile on their faces.

i think it happened like in a fracton of a second, but i was able to catch that moment.
just watching them being madly in love with each other gave me a smile on my face.
and it made me think about what love does to us in our lives.

and i can't help but wonder.
what is love that keep us going, and feeling stuck in the past simultaneously?
what is love that makes us feel so alive, and lifeless at the same time?

during the past week, i had conversations with people who are in love in their own ways even though some of their feelings might be a little premature to call it love, but i wondered what love does to people in life.

a friend said that she has a crush on someone and can't help herself but acting idiot around him.
a friend said that she finally confessed to someone whom she has been having a crush for a while, and was worried that she might have ruined their dear friendship.
a friend said that he can't think of loving someone else than his ex-girlfriend, and got so emotional when he smelled some lady wearing the same perfume as his ex.
a friend said that she had a great connection with someone in a very short period of time, and even knowing that he is in love with someone else, she longs for his love.

to be honest, i had been in all the above situations myself. and haven't been a specialist in this area, i still don't know how, and why the love does what it does to people.

once i read an article that love functons like a drug in our brain or its impact is even greater to the human brains than the influence of drugs. and it takes only 4 seconds to feel that people like someone and takes 8 seconds to fall in love with someone. it can happen because the brain receives the influences of love which helps people to recognize and it connects to the human emtions. although the results of this research might apply differently to various people. not only the human emotions, but the science proves that there is a connection between the functions of love and the human brain.

feeling crazy, jealousy, hatred, pain, suffering, longing, joy, happiness... all these emotional feelings can be created through how the brain and the human mind interact with the ramifications or impact of LOVE.

and how does it interact? does it make us stronger that we feel like can do anything and nothing's impossible? or does it make us weaker that we feel more dependable and can't control our emotions? does it ever lose over our own thoughts or will or does it always win over human emotions?

the answer is, i do not know for i am also one of its victims.