NY NY Underground

i didn't know i look like this... ㅠㅠ

hiding

you can tell when someone is trying to hide something from you.
i think i am open minded to talk about my issues with some close friends, but there's time even when i feel like it's right and better to let the 'real truth' know, but i tend to unfold the story.

i hesitated to unfold the story in front of a friend this past sunday.

because unfolding the stories take tremendous energy from my heart. and the effort i put into taking out that energy(which has been in my life the entire time) can become 'aw~' for one second when they hear me out. so i tend to unfold the story.

my stories can be somewhat overwhelming, but it's been there in my entire life, and i just don't want it to dissolve before my eyes with 'aw~' for a second.

so i may not unfold that story even when there's doubts.

i just realized that i am

1. stubborn
2. unfriendly
3. awkward
4. hard to be understood
5. blatantly disobedient
6. chaotic
7. tough at work
8. unwilling to give in
9. disturbing
10. very impatient

do these attributes make me a horrible person?

awakening moments??

i almost drowned at the water park last saturday.
although i didn't make a big deal out of it afterwards, i was in fact quite terrified.
( my friends just thought i was playing underwater.)

as I continued to sink and los e control of my body, my mind completely went blank. i couldn't think of anything else but dying. i thought, 'wow, is this how i'm going to die? this can't , this must not be how i die!'

at first when i lost control of my feet, i thought i would be able to make it out of the water and be okay, but i wasn't able to. i sort of know how to swim, but i couldn't even move my arms in the swimming motion. instead, my arms were losing energy and i kept drinking the dirty pool water, and losing more and more control and then i panicked. it happened in less than a minute or so, but i was so terrified that i couldn't think or speak for a while after it happened.

anyway, i used to think that when i came upon one of these 'scared to death' moments, i would think of a lot of things about my life like flashback memories. however, i wasn't thinking of anything but the fact that i was dying and 'how can i die like this?' i was terrified, but as i lost hope of surviving, i felt calm. and just as i was finally starting to calm down, someone snatched me out of water and helped me stand up straight. (the funny thing i thought , though , at that moment, was that i didn't wish he would give me mouth-to-mouth.) he pushed me away to the shallow end. i guess i didn't drink enough dirty water to be unconscious. i managed to walk out ok, even though i couldn't hear anything for a while and my throat was hurt from drinking substantial amounts of pool water.

after these panicking moments had passed by, i blamed myself for not having learned how to swim better even after having lived in Hawaii for almost five and a half years. (well, of course, i have to substract one and a half years of that time for serving the Lord.)

anyway, through this experience i got to think more about 'life and death.'
although all i felt was a blur this time, i hope to be ready next time and not feel terrified all the way.

from Numi..

"기자님 너무 감사합니다
기사중에 제일 정확하고 제일 마음에 들게 잘 써주셨습니다
정말 정말 감사합니다"

which means

"thank you very much reporter.
your article was most precise one among others, and you wrote it perfectly in the way i'd wanted. thank you very very much."

pu ha ha...

i am...

finally putting the period(.) on the ...ing.

drenched in hopes

i feel gloomy.
i don't know whether it's precisely the right word to describe how i feel, but i do feel gloomy.
i expected it to be this way, but i guess i was drenched in hopes.
i don't regret for what i did since i feel a lot lighter in the chest.
it was a good decision for better health condition.
but it's never fun to be rejected.
i don't believe in going through that repetitive procedures in order to be accepted oneday.
i just don't.
life would be so much more blissful if things come true in the way i want.
but i know there will be no challenges if it always works out the way i want.
because these gloomy stages are designed to help me to develop the muscles in distinguishing the real taste of joy. so i will gladly take that. and i will keep walking.

but do i really feel lighter in the chest? i don't know.
maybe it will only get lighter oneday when i finally learn how not to be drenced in hopes.

'Everybody's changing'

everybody's changing, and i don't feel the same.

My Confession

i love you.

pregnant and sexy?

my former colleague.

sent me this photo yesterday.

'be pregnant and sexy!'

impossible for me!

hi?

to you,
i want to say 'hi' when i see you, but i am dead nervous that i can't.
i want to say 'hi' when i see you on gchat, but i am afraid that you won't answer me.
i just want to say 'hi' to you and start a conversation, but i never can bring myself up to the level.
i just want to say 'hi' and start a conversation. i just want to say 'hi'

yes, you are always right only because you are older

Misunderstanding
Misapproach
Miscommunication

w/o proper resolving process
lead to

Anger
Hatred
Hurt
Regret
Resentment
.
.
Someday maybe i will learn to be substantially patient enough how not to talk back to older korean dudes.

one word, one thought

the other day i was on the subway on the way to work, a lady with a weird hair and a strange outfit sat next to me. at first i noticed how her face doesn't have any expression, but later i noticed how her look and the outfit don't match like you are wearing a fancy dress with an old fashioned sneakers on. but since she sat next to me, that was the end what i saw of her. and obviously i didn't turn my head around to see her again. so i was sitting there looking at other people.

sometimes i don't do anything on the subway but watching people. it has, in fact, been a great hobby of mine to just watch people. it may sound a little bit rude to watch people like that, but you know sometimes i can't help myself thinking about what their lives would be like(like how their relationships with their families and friends are), what they might think in their minds, and whether where they are heading to, etc. i just can't help it. i've been alway fascinated by the fact all people are so different and we all have different lives since i was very little even though it may sound a bit awkward to think of somthing which seems to be very normal in society.

anyway, so i was just sitting there watching people sitting across from us. and she and i got off at the same stop which was the last stop of the train i was on. so i got to see all the reactions of the people who came in and sat across from us. and every single one of them literally stared at her with a very puzzled look. i couldn't tell how she was reacting to it or whether she even looked at them at all. but i felt uneasy by looking at the facial expressions of all those people who gave those looks to her. at some point, i even wanted to stand up and say "what's the matter? can you stop staring at her like that?" but i just sat there thinking and feeling how uncomfortable it was to see peoples' reactions. i mean it was just hard.

so as i was being in that moment, i realized how cruel people could be with their one look towards others. how often unconscious we become in many circumstances and caught up in the moment to be 'natural man.' i mean... people might not really realize what they are doing when they do look at people like that. but it's unconciously in their minds somehow that they automatically register to their brains that something's wrong with some people and the automated outcome of your look comes out naturally.

and how often do i make those unconscious mistakes to possibly increase the nervousness, anxiety, fear of someone because of a look i gave or a word i spoke to that individual? how often do i give that 'judgmental look' to someone who is possibly feeling so insecure already with themselves? how often do i say a word to someone without a careful consideration to be funny or what i think is better and right than what they might have to say?

i think i make a lot of mistakes with these issues. i gave many looks and spoke many words to either hurt and judge others without even knowing them. these days i have had many experiences with this 'one word' thing that how possibly it can hurt feelings of others so easily.

the lady who sat next to me on the subway probably went through a lot like those kinds of experiences in the past how she was over Looked by others. she might have gotten used to it and she wouldn't even care any more, but she still have feelings and emotions that might bring her down whenever that kind of experiences happened.

so the lesson is that i need to be really really careful how i look at people. whether i give them the sincere and warm look or i can possibly be the coldest and judgmental person on the whole earth.

do i seem to be desperate?

the other day, i got a phone call from a stranger who claimed to know me.
he explained that we met each other in NJ about 2 years ago which i didn't recall at all.

and trust me. if i meet someone, i remember that person pretty much for the rest of my life.
i have a pretty good memory about people whether where and when we met for the first time, what colors of clothes they wore on that day, etc. but i couldn't remember him at all.

but according to what he said, there was a regional korean church members' conference that was held in the korean branch i attended which i remember, and we met there which i don't recall.

anyway, he introduced himself again and said he graduated from BYUH about 30 years ago, and that's how we ended up talking which i don't recall. and he asked me whether one of my friends and i could come to DC this weekend to go on blind dates with his son and his friend's son. and he kept saying how important it is to get married before we become too old to get married(?).

i mean is he crazy? i understand how korean parents and older korean church members are more inclined to mind others' businesses especially on the "marriage" issue, and he was probably worrying about us and his kid being single. but the way he put it was almost to the point i felt offended. i told him that i can't go since i am a "busy" person with lots of work even on the weekend, but i will talk to my friend and get back to him even though i don't even have any intention to do so. but he was like "too bad. then i guess i will ask other girls in other area." the way he took the matter with his insensitive words was just horrible. did i ask him to mind my single life? did i ask him to hook me up with some rich kid whom he claims to hook me up with? did i tell him that i am desperate to get married? i mean "what's your problem?"

although i just laughed at the whole thing after i hung up the phone, i felt as if someone who doesn't even know me for who i really am was judging me that i am in some kind of trouble just because i am single. why do people have to do that? why are they so insensitive? why do they think what they think is the best for others' life?

it was just a crazy phone call which i don't want to remember for the rest of my life.

being hated

'being hated' by someone regardless of the level of your relationship with that person is the worst feeling you can ever have. even if you are a strong person who doesn't put much thought on what others think of you, it still can be very distracting and hurtful. but what is worse than that is being in the situations to be hated by the person whom you like, it's almost like a heartbraking tragedy which ends up leaving you in despair, and for you to breathe in the oxygenless air that almost chokes you up in every single minute of your life.

so don't need to love me back, but please don't hate me.

thank you cards

'thank you card from joosang lee on 6/18/07.'

once in a while, i get these thank you cards from the people, mostly artists, for whom i have written stories.

since i don't have a specific beat i cover, i write mostly anything that's considered to be important and informative.

but to be honest, i really don't enjoy writing the stories on any artists regardless of their fields. i often get fascinated by their works, but their artistic expressions confuse me greatly. not only it's hard to put into words what they think and feel about their work but i almost can't understand them at all. their expressions are extremely complicated since they capture and see their work in their own world. it's as if they come from a different world from mine.

anyway, it's nice to get thank you cards like this once in a while. most korean people who want to be on the paper either abuse or take advantages of using the paper to advertise themselves.

i hate to deal with those selfish minded, self-centered, unappreciative people who think that they can do whatever and we will still publish their stories because they think they contribute something to our paper. i mean it might be helpful in many ways to broaden the scope of the paper, but they could at least can show some respect and humility.


so as i was thinking about how some people take advantages of my position and are never appreciative, i came to compare it with how often i really truly appreciate and feel grateful to God for what he has done for me in my life; i mean every little detail of my life. and although i know what's like to be appreciative to him in every aspect of my life, but how often do i neglect or take advantage of not giving him substantial thanks and express my gratitude to him for all the little daily miracles he performs in my life? so i put myself to be in his position and i realize how sad and disappointed he could be to see me being self-centered and forgetful of what he has done for me. i think he is merciful so he is not going to hate me for it but just be there for me no matter what i do and how i act, but he will wait for me to thank him and will love me even more if i show my gratitude through every little thing i do in my life.

so the lesson is that i need to be more grateful to God for his wonderful blessings in my daily life. and also be more grateful to others.

Romeo and Juliet

'Shakespeare in the Park'

made me laugh, cry, think...
and wanting to be in love.
......

the truth is,
in the end,
what else is more important in life than loving and being loved?

Free ipod for 10 min interview

a random interview less than 10 minutes about some bank products, and their special promotions. it wasn't even on the calendar, but was informed by a reporter friend of mine saying that i should go. so went with 2 colleagues, but the p.c was over. but did interviewed some people. and surprisingly as we were leaving, they gave each of us a new ipod shuffle. wow. sometimes i really like my job. ha.

Free Hugs Campaign!

we need more hugs. i definately need more hugs.

Ivy - 이럴거면

이럴 거면 날
흔들어 놓지 말지
이럴 거면 잘해 주지나 말지
이럴 거면 첨 스쳐가게 놔두지
너를 모르는체 살게 하지
떠날 거라면

원망해도 후회해도
널 향한 나의 사랑은
이미 엎질러진 물처럼
주워 담을 수 없어

날 울리려고 이러려고
날 사랑했니 너를 사랑하게 했니
멀쩡한 사람 왜 날 바보 만들어
버릴 거면 그럴 거였으면 왜 내 맘
모두 가져간 거야 조각나버려
이젠 다신 쓸 수도 없게

내 머리는 내 입술은
매일 네 욕만 하는데
나의 가슴에 눈물은 자꾸 네 편만 들어

나를 울리려고 이러려고
날 사랑했니
너를 사랑하게 했니
잘 살던 사람 왜 맨날 울게 만들어
버릴 거면 그럴 거였으면
왜 내 맘 모두 가져간 거야
누구에게도 이젠 다신 줄 수도 없게

너를 알기전 서로 몰랐던 때로
돌아가기엔 널 너무 사랑했나봐

잊지 못할 거면 이럴 거면
널 붙잡을걸
네게 떼라도 써볼걸
사랑한다고 너 없이 못 산다고
울릴 거면 그립게 할 거면
차라리 너의 곁에서 울려
볼 수 있다면 혼자 사랑해도 되니까
너만 사랑해도 되니까

spinning world

my world is spinning.
it's been spinning for a while now, but it is spinning harder these days.
i wish it didn't come back. i stopped taking the medicines for sometime now.
i wish that i am just going through the adjustment stage, but not to the previous nightmare.

english deprivation

since i've been working at a korean newspaper, i feel that my ability of speaking the English language has reduced tremendously, especially with the pronunciation. i think the more i speak and write korean, the more i understand and get better at it. but since i haven't been speaking English on a regular basis even though i live and work in US, i have been losing English greatly.
(this is one of the main reasons why i started this blog so i can practice writing in English.)

there were times i was told(even when i was only less than 6 months on my mission) that i speak English like a native or US born person which flattered me, but i didn't have much appreciation for such comments. but now that i feel that there is and will be limitation to my English skills, i sometimes envy someone who has no barrier to the usage of the English language.

and as i was thinking about this, i got to compare it with how i exercise my faith in God.

when i prayed to God fervently and on a daily basis, my ability(desire, motivation) to speak to him in prayer was greater which filled me with much love and care from him. the more i pray, the more i realize that i depend on him in my life, and get to understand the purpose of prayers. but when i haven't put much efforts in praying to God, and as it becomes a routine of not putting my heart out there to have conversations with him even though i attend the church and want to live in the gospel fully, i have been losing my faith in praying. it leads me in wonder and fear and i feel that there is a limitation to approach him, and become hopeless in some ways.

any type of deprivation isn't healthy to body and soul, to the enviornment or the life, and everything else. but especially the spiritual deprivation damages everything you have in life. if you feel deprived spiritually, you feel empty deeply inside even if you stay alive. i've experienced this type of deprivation, and it just killed me because it led me to unhappiness. and we live our lives to be happy. spiritual deprivation whether to be a faithful person or not results in unhappiness. so i will never let it deprived again by keep watering it.

this is called 'absurd'

last night, i went to the institute seminar and came home with uplifted feeling.

but my landlorad kept knocking at my door so long, i wondered why.

"did you look for me?" i asked.

"you have to move out by Sunday." alexandrina said.

"what??????????" my tired eyes were wide opened at such a shocking news.

"i am also moving out. everyone's moving out by sunday. if someone doesn't move out by sunday, the marshal is coming to lock all the doors." she said.

"why??????????"

"the landlord doesn't like me having many people" and showed me the eviction notice from the court.

at first, i was confused since she couldn't explain the situation clearly in english. i was a bit frustrated. i haven't felt that way for a very very long time.

but as i was looking at the eviction notice, i realized what that innocent looking landlord had been doing in the past.

she hasn't paid the rent which all of us who lived in that apt paid to her to the actual management company. so the company sued her, and there was the court order.

my gosh!!!!!!!!!!

all this time, i surely believed that alexandrina is such a nice person. she sometimes let me pay the rent late. even though sometimes i felt so trapped in that little room and i never liked the next door guy using all my hair products, toothpaste and even the lazor (as soon as i figured that he was using my pink-colored lazor, i never touched it again. i felt so gross.), it was the place of rest for me for the past year. it started as a temporay place, but ended up staying longer than i thought. the rent was cheap even though i never liked the neighborhood, the creepy looking guys hanging around in the neighborhood which had kept me inside all the time when i was at home. but it was still my home. she can't just say 'move out' like that to me.

but i knew there was no option and so i didn't want to waste my energy and time to tell her how i felt. plus she wouldn't understand 1/3 of what i wanted to say.

so i walked back into my room, sat down on my bed for a while thinking "man when am i going to pack all these stuff?" "where am i going?" "what now?" but i couldn't think of nothing much except feeling empty and absurd.

i just taught about 'honesty' on last sunday, and i gave the challenge to class members to write down 'honesty/dishonesty journal' throughout this week. and there i was witnessing someone completely being dishonest with such an innocent face. i just didn't know how to react to this last night.

and so with limited options to move, i decided to move in with amy. she was very nice of taking me and even let me to sleep on her bed, and she would use the couch. although she kept saying that she loves to sleep on the couch, i know that she wanted to make me feel comfortable. i am so grateful that with such a short notice that someone will take me into their places and shares their home with me. i am going to stay there until the end of summer and will move in with cristi and probably with jess for fall.

so here i am now looking at all the stuff i need to pack, but feeling no desire to do so whatsoever. i remember last year around this time feeling very vulnerable after i found and moved into this place. i was feeling devastated from leaving a friend alone and feeling lonely, and feeling left alone, and feeling sort of abandoned by someone i really really liked. i regretted that time and my decisions a lot afterwards. however, i couldn't change what had happened, but feeling stupid. sometimes i really really wish that i could go back and change things around.

i think this apt was a freedom i enjoyed a lot, but at the same time it represented the isolation of my heart in many ways. anyway, sa yo na ra "580 W. 161st apt 32, NY, NY 10032"

i hope only good things will happen at the new place surrounded by dang good people. =)

the prayer

lessons learned from the stake conference on 5/20/07

flying without wings

"And you're the place my life begins
and you'll be where it ends
I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy you bring
I'm flying without wings"

-westlife

the law of conception

everything in life starts out from 'a thought'
whatever you think becomes things in life, and those things create circumstances of life.
either you can be a master of your thought or you become its servant and be controlled.

today i was reading an article on some paper, and it was talking about how 'a thought' can change the whole thing in your life and lead to the circumstances that were created as a product of 'a thought' which becomes the reality.

the story of a man who was frozen to death in a cold storage truck.

-a guy worked for unloading the truck which was fully loaded with the frozen meats, and when he finished unloading, he jumped into a cold truck to take a quick and cool break for just a few moments. but he eventually fell asleep. and the driver started driving not knowing that the worker was inside the truck sleeping. after the guy wokend up, he realized that the truck was hitting the road with high speed. and this very moment, the guy was literally horrified and terrified with a thought that he might be frozen to death soon. he shouted as loud as possible for help, but his hope of getting out of the truck slowly died in him. and the truck was on the road for another few days. eventually, the guy slowly died inside the truck. his lips were blue, and his skin was frozen leaving no senses.

when the driver stopped the truck to load somethings back into the truck, he was shocked after finding a guy frozen to death.

but he wondered 'how could he have frozen to death when the freezing system of the truck was turned off?' the truth is that the driver didn't need to turn on the freezing system after he unloaded all the goods.

this incident had made a top story on the news back then. even the FBI investiaged the mysterious death of the worker.

the FBI commented on the report of the deceased worker that his death was caused by 'a conception' which means that his conception controlled over his will, emotions, and even his physical body that he would be frozen to death in a cold storage truck at the moment when a thought overcame him thatt he got stuck in there forever. and that conception eventually left him a corpse in a truck without a freezing system.

--

whatever we think, we find ourselves leading into and following that direction.
this is called the 'law of conception'
a thought can be scary. the unseen air we breathe in can be a deadly weapon which threathens peoples' lives when it goes under the minus 1000 degree(i don't know how to calculate that in ferenhite). i say 'a thought' can be this air which can be the unseen and unexpected deadly weapon.

since i have had some conversations with people who suffered their hearts recently, i would like to say that when we feel pain in our hearts, how about we let 'a thought' rest for a while?
like we have a physical fasting, we should have a 'thought fasting'
like newton found the laws of motion when he saw the apple falling off the tree. it happened when he rested himself from constant thinking of inventions. and like buddha came to realization when he saw the stars in the dawn under a tree after doing the long-suffering ascetic practices just for a quick break.

a power and strength of a thought can go over the limit your imagination.
if we want to live a life the life we want, the life we long for, how about we change this 'one thought' i am sure we can have different perspectives on our lives, and our lives will never be the same.

what is Love?

the other day while sitting on the subway, i looked outside for a moment and saw a couple standing and looking at each other. they were probably saying goodbye for the day before departing to their daily journey. i was watching them as if i was watching a scene from a movie.
after they kissed & held each others' hands, they turned around to go about their ways.
first, the woman turned around and saw her loved one, but the man didn't turned around and kept walking. so the woman turned back and started walking, but that's when the man turned around to see her, and he stopped and watched her walking, and in that moment she turned around to see him once more. so they finally saw each other and waved hands at each other and walked away with a smile on their faces.

i think it happened like in a fracton of a second, but i was able to catch that moment.
just watching them being madly in love with each other gave me a smile on my face.
and it made me think about what love does to us in our lives.

and i can't help but wonder.
what is love that keep us going, and feeling stuck in the past simultaneously?
what is love that makes us feel so alive, and lifeless at the same time?

during the past week, i had conversations with people who are in love in their own ways even though some of their feelings might be a little premature to call it love, but i wondered what love does to people in life.

a friend said that she has a crush on someone and can't help herself but acting idiot around him.
a friend said that she finally confessed to someone whom she has been having a crush for a while, and was worried that she might have ruined their dear friendship.
a friend said that he can't think of loving someone else than his ex-girlfriend, and got so emotional when he smelled some lady wearing the same perfume as his ex.
a friend said that she had a great connection with someone in a very short period of time, and even knowing that he is in love with someone else, she longs for his love.

to be honest, i had been in all the above situations myself. and haven't been a specialist in this area, i still don't know how, and why the love does what it does to people.

once i read an article that love functons like a drug in our brain or its impact is even greater to the human brains than the influence of drugs. and it takes only 4 seconds to feel that people like someone and takes 8 seconds to fall in love with someone. it can happen because the brain receives the influences of love which helps people to recognize and it connects to the human emtions. although the results of this research might apply differently to various people. not only the human emotions, but the science proves that there is a connection between the functions of love and the human brain.

feeling crazy, jealousy, hatred, pain, suffering, longing, joy, happiness... all these emotional feelings can be created through how the brain and the human mind interact with the ramifications or impact of LOVE.

and how does it interact? does it make us stronger that we feel like can do anything and nothing's impossible? or does it make us weaker that we feel more dependable and can't control our emotions? does it ever lose over our own thoughts or will or does it always win over human emotions?

the answer is, i do not know for i am also one of its victims.