i just realized that i am

1. stubborn
2. unfriendly
3. awkward
4. hard to be understood
5. blatantly disobedient
6. chaotic
7. tough at work
8. unwilling to give in
9. disturbing
10. very impatient

do these attributes make me a horrible person?

awakening moments??

i almost drowned at the water park last saturday.
although i didn't make a big deal out of it afterwards, i was in fact quite terrified.
( my friends just thought i was playing underwater.)

as I continued to sink and los e control of my body, my mind completely went blank. i couldn't think of anything else but dying. i thought, 'wow, is this how i'm going to die? this can't , this must not be how i die!'

at first when i lost control of my feet, i thought i would be able to make it out of the water and be okay, but i wasn't able to. i sort of know how to swim, but i couldn't even move my arms in the swimming motion. instead, my arms were losing energy and i kept drinking the dirty pool water, and losing more and more control and then i panicked. it happened in less than a minute or so, but i was so terrified that i couldn't think or speak for a while after it happened.

anyway, i used to think that when i came upon one of these 'scared to death' moments, i would think of a lot of things about my life like flashback memories. however, i wasn't thinking of anything but the fact that i was dying and 'how can i die like this?' i was terrified, but as i lost hope of surviving, i felt calm. and just as i was finally starting to calm down, someone snatched me out of water and helped me stand up straight. (the funny thing i thought , though , at that moment, was that i didn't wish he would give me mouth-to-mouth.) he pushed me away to the shallow end. i guess i didn't drink enough dirty water to be unconscious. i managed to walk out ok, even though i couldn't hear anything for a while and my throat was hurt from drinking substantial amounts of pool water.

after these panicking moments had passed by, i blamed myself for not having learned how to swim better even after having lived in Hawaii for almost five and a half years. (well, of course, i have to substract one and a half years of that time for serving the Lord.)

anyway, through this experience i got to think more about 'life and death.'
although all i felt was a blur this time, i hope to be ready next time and not feel terrified all the way.

from Numi..

"기자님 너무 감사합니다
기사중에 제일 정확하고 제일 마음에 들게 잘 써주셨습니다
정말 정말 감사합니다"

which means

"thank you very much reporter.
your article was most precise one among others, and you wrote it perfectly in the way i'd wanted. thank you very very much."

pu ha ha...

i am...

finally putting the period(.) on the ...ing.

drenched in hopes

i feel gloomy.
i don't know whether it's precisely the right word to describe how i feel, but i do feel gloomy.
i expected it to be this way, but i guess i was drenched in hopes.
i don't regret for what i did since i feel a lot lighter in the chest.
it was a good decision for better health condition.
but it's never fun to be rejected.
i don't believe in going through that repetitive procedures in order to be accepted oneday.
i just don't.
life would be so much more blissful if things come true in the way i want.
but i know there will be no challenges if it always works out the way i want.
because these gloomy stages are designed to help me to develop the muscles in distinguishing the real taste of joy. so i will gladly take that. and i will keep walking.

but do i really feel lighter in the chest? i don't know.
maybe it will only get lighter oneday when i finally learn how not to be drenced in hopes.

'Everybody's changing'

everybody's changing, and i don't feel the same.