this is called 'absurd'

last night, i went to the institute seminar and came home with uplifted feeling.

but my landlorad kept knocking at my door so long, i wondered why.

"did you look for me?" i asked.

"you have to move out by Sunday." alexandrina said.

"what??????????" my tired eyes were wide opened at such a shocking news.

"i am also moving out. everyone's moving out by sunday. if someone doesn't move out by sunday, the marshal is coming to lock all the doors." she said.

"why??????????"

"the landlord doesn't like me having many people" and showed me the eviction notice from the court.

at first, i was confused since she couldn't explain the situation clearly in english. i was a bit frustrated. i haven't felt that way for a very very long time.

but as i was looking at the eviction notice, i realized what that innocent looking landlord had been doing in the past.

she hasn't paid the rent which all of us who lived in that apt paid to her to the actual management company. so the company sued her, and there was the court order.

my gosh!!!!!!!!!!

all this time, i surely believed that alexandrina is such a nice person. she sometimes let me pay the rent late. even though sometimes i felt so trapped in that little room and i never liked the next door guy using all my hair products, toothpaste and even the lazor (as soon as i figured that he was using my pink-colored lazor, i never touched it again. i felt so gross.), it was the place of rest for me for the past year. it started as a temporay place, but ended up staying longer than i thought. the rent was cheap even though i never liked the neighborhood, the creepy looking guys hanging around in the neighborhood which had kept me inside all the time when i was at home. but it was still my home. she can't just say 'move out' like that to me.

but i knew there was no option and so i didn't want to waste my energy and time to tell her how i felt. plus she wouldn't understand 1/3 of what i wanted to say.

so i walked back into my room, sat down on my bed for a while thinking "man when am i going to pack all these stuff?" "where am i going?" "what now?" but i couldn't think of nothing much except feeling empty and absurd.

i just taught about 'honesty' on last sunday, and i gave the challenge to class members to write down 'honesty/dishonesty journal' throughout this week. and there i was witnessing someone completely being dishonest with such an innocent face. i just didn't know how to react to this last night.

and so with limited options to move, i decided to move in with amy. she was very nice of taking me and even let me to sleep on her bed, and she would use the couch. although she kept saying that she loves to sleep on the couch, i know that she wanted to make me feel comfortable. i am so grateful that with such a short notice that someone will take me into their places and shares their home with me. i am going to stay there until the end of summer and will move in with cristi and probably with jess for fall.

so here i am now looking at all the stuff i need to pack, but feeling no desire to do so whatsoever. i remember last year around this time feeling very vulnerable after i found and moved into this place. i was feeling devastated from leaving a friend alone and feeling lonely, and feeling left alone, and feeling sort of abandoned by someone i really really liked. i regretted that time and my decisions a lot afterwards. however, i couldn't change what had happened, but feeling stupid. sometimes i really really wish that i could go back and change things around.

i think this apt was a freedom i enjoyed a lot, but at the same time it represented the isolation of my heart in many ways. anyway, sa yo na ra "580 W. 161st apt 32, NY, NY 10032"

i hope only good things will happen at the new place surrounded by dang good people. =)