NY NY Underground

i didn't know i look like this... ㅠㅠ

hiding

you can tell when someone is trying to hide something from you.
i think i am open minded to talk about my issues with some close friends, but there's time even when i feel like it's right and better to let the 'real truth' know, but i tend to unfold the story.

i hesitated to unfold the story in front of a friend this past sunday.

because unfolding the stories take tremendous energy from my heart. and the effort i put into taking out that energy(which has been in my life the entire time) can become 'aw~' for one second when they hear me out. so i tend to unfold the story.

my stories can be somewhat overwhelming, but it's been there in my entire life, and i just don't want it to dissolve before my eyes with 'aw~' for a second.

so i may not unfold that story even when there's doubts.

i just realized that i am

1. stubborn
2. unfriendly
3. awkward
4. hard to be understood
5. blatantly disobedient
6. chaotic
7. tough at work
8. unwilling to give in
9. disturbing
10. very impatient

do these attributes make me a horrible person?

awakening moments??

i almost drowned at the water park last saturday.
although i didn't make a big deal out of it afterwards, i was in fact quite terrified.
( my friends just thought i was playing underwater.)

as I continued to sink and los e control of my body, my mind completely went blank. i couldn't think of anything else but dying. i thought, 'wow, is this how i'm going to die? this can't , this must not be how i die!'

at first when i lost control of my feet, i thought i would be able to make it out of the water and be okay, but i wasn't able to. i sort of know how to swim, but i couldn't even move my arms in the swimming motion. instead, my arms were losing energy and i kept drinking the dirty pool water, and losing more and more control and then i panicked. it happened in less than a minute or so, but i was so terrified that i couldn't think or speak for a while after it happened.

anyway, i used to think that when i came upon one of these 'scared to death' moments, i would think of a lot of things about my life like flashback memories. however, i wasn't thinking of anything but the fact that i was dying and 'how can i die like this?' i was terrified, but as i lost hope of surviving, i felt calm. and just as i was finally starting to calm down, someone snatched me out of water and helped me stand up straight. (the funny thing i thought , though , at that moment, was that i didn't wish he would give me mouth-to-mouth.) he pushed me away to the shallow end. i guess i didn't drink enough dirty water to be unconscious. i managed to walk out ok, even though i couldn't hear anything for a while and my throat was hurt from drinking substantial amounts of pool water.

after these panicking moments had passed by, i blamed myself for not having learned how to swim better even after having lived in Hawaii for almost five and a half years. (well, of course, i have to substract one and a half years of that time for serving the Lord.)

anyway, through this experience i got to think more about 'life and death.'
although all i felt was a blur this time, i hope to be ready next time and not feel terrified all the way.

from Numi..

"기자님 너무 감사합니다
기사중에 제일 정확하고 제일 마음에 들게 잘 써주셨습니다
정말 정말 감사합니다"

which means

"thank you very much reporter.
your article was most precise one among others, and you wrote it perfectly in the way i'd wanted. thank you very very much."

pu ha ha...

i am...

finally putting the period(.) on the ...ing.

drenched in hopes

i feel gloomy.
i don't know whether it's precisely the right word to describe how i feel, but i do feel gloomy.
i expected it to be this way, but i guess i was drenched in hopes.
i don't regret for what i did since i feel a lot lighter in the chest.
it was a good decision for better health condition.
but it's never fun to be rejected.
i don't believe in going through that repetitive procedures in order to be accepted oneday.
i just don't.
life would be so much more blissful if things come true in the way i want.
but i know there will be no challenges if it always works out the way i want.
because these gloomy stages are designed to help me to develop the muscles in distinguishing the real taste of joy. so i will gladly take that. and i will keep walking.

but do i really feel lighter in the chest? i don't know.
maybe it will only get lighter oneday when i finally learn how not to be drenced in hopes.

'Everybody's changing'

everybody's changing, and i don't feel the same.

My Confession

i love you.

pregnant and sexy?

my former colleague.

sent me this photo yesterday.

'be pregnant and sexy!'

impossible for me!

hi?

to you,
i want to say 'hi' when i see you, but i am dead nervous that i can't.
i want to say 'hi' when i see you on gchat, but i am afraid that you won't answer me.
i just want to say 'hi' to you and start a conversation, but i never can bring myself up to the level.
i just want to say 'hi' and start a conversation. i just want to say 'hi'

yes, you are always right only because you are older

Misunderstanding
Misapproach
Miscommunication

w/o proper resolving process
lead to

Anger
Hatred
Hurt
Regret
Resentment
.
.
Someday maybe i will learn to be substantially patient enough how not to talk back to older korean dudes.

one word, one thought

the other day i was on the subway on the way to work, a lady with a weird hair and a strange outfit sat next to me. at first i noticed how her face doesn't have any expression, but later i noticed how her look and the outfit don't match like you are wearing a fancy dress with an old fashioned sneakers on. but since she sat next to me, that was the end what i saw of her. and obviously i didn't turn my head around to see her again. so i was sitting there looking at other people.

sometimes i don't do anything on the subway but watching people. it has, in fact, been a great hobby of mine to just watch people. it may sound a little bit rude to watch people like that, but you know sometimes i can't help myself thinking about what their lives would be like(like how their relationships with their families and friends are), what they might think in their minds, and whether where they are heading to, etc. i just can't help it. i've been alway fascinated by the fact all people are so different and we all have different lives since i was very little even though it may sound a bit awkward to think of somthing which seems to be very normal in society.

anyway, so i was just sitting there watching people sitting across from us. and she and i got off at the same stop which was the last stop of the train i was on. so i got to see all the reactions of the people who came in and sat across from us. and every single one of them literally stared at her with a very puzzled look. i couldn't tell how she was reacting to it or whether she even looked at them at all. but i felt uneasy by looking at the facial expressions of all those people who gave those looks to her. at some point, i even wanted to stand up and say "what's the matter? can you stop staring at her like that?" but i just sat there thinking and feeling how uncomfortable it was to see peoples' reactions. i mean it was just hard.

so as i was being in that moment, i realized how cruel people could be with their one look towards others. how often unconscious we become in many circumstances and caught up in the moment to be 'natural man.' i mean... people might not really realize what they are doing when they do look at people like that. but it's unconciously in their minds somehow that they automatically register to their brains that something's wrong with some people and the automated outcome of your look comes out naturally.

and how often do i make those unconscious mistakes to possibly increase the nervousness, anxiety, fear of someone because of a look i gave or a word i spoke to that individual? how often do i give that 'judgmental look' to someone who is possibly feeling so insecure already with themselves? how often do i say a word to someone without a careful consideration to be funny or what i think is better and right than what they might have to say?

i think i make a lot of mistakes with these issues. i gave many looks and spoke many words to either hurt and judge others without even knowing them. these days i have had many experiences with this 'one word' thing that how possibly it can hurt feelings of others so easily.

the lady who sat next to me on the subway probably went through a lot like those kinds of experiences in the past how she was over Looked by others. she might have gotten used to it and she wouldn't even care any more, but she still have feelings and emotions that might bring her down whenever that kind of experiences happened.

so the lesson is that i need to be really really careful how i look at people. whether i give them the sincere and warm look or i can possibly be the coldest and judgmental person on the whole earth.

do i seem to be desperate?

the other day, i got a phone call from a stranger who claimed to know me.
he explained that we met each other in NJ about 2 years ago which i didn't recall at all.

and trust me. if i meet someone, i remember that person pretty much for the rest of my life.
i have a pretty good memory about people whether where and when we met for the first time, what colors of clothes they wore on that day, etc. but i couldn't remember him at all.

but according to what he said, there was a regional korean church members' conference that was held in the korean branch i attended which i remember, and we met there which i don't recall.

anyway, he introduced himself again and said he graduated from BYUH about 30 years ago, and that's how we ended up talking which i don't recall. and he asked me whether one of my friends and i could come to DC this weekend to go on blind dates with his son and his friend's son. and he kept saying how important it is to get married before we become too old to get married(?).

i mean is he crazy? i understand how korean parents and older korean church members are more inclined to mind others' businesses especially on the "marriage" issue, and he was probably worrying about us and his kid being single. but the way he put it was almost to the point i felt offended. i told him that i can't go since i am a "busy" person with lots of work even on the weekend, but i will talk to my friend and get back to him even though i don't even have any intention to do so. but he was like "too bad. then i guess i will ask other girls in other area." the way he took the matter with his insensitive words was just horrible. did i ask him to mind my single life? did i ask him to hook me up with some rich kid whom he claims to hook me up with? did i tell him that i am desperate to get married? i mean "what's your problem?"

although i just laughed at the whole thing after i hung up the phone, i felt as if someone who doesn't even know me for who i really am was judging me that i am in some kind of trouble just because i am single. why do people have to do that? why are they so insensitive? why do they think what they think is the best for others' life?

it was just a crazy phone call which i don't want to remember for the rest of my life.

being hated

'being hated' by someone regardless of the level of your relationship with that person is the worst feeling you can ever have. even if you are a strong person who doesn't put much thought on what others think of you, it still can be very distracting and hurtful. but what is worse than that is being in the situations to be hated by the person whom you like, it's almost like a heartbraking tragedy which ends up leaving you in despair, and for you to breathe in the oxygenless air that almost chokes you up in every single minute of your life.

so don't need to love me back, but please don't hate me.

thank you cards

'thank you card from joosang lee on 6/18/07.'

once in a while, i get these thank you cards from the people, mostly artists, for whom i have written stories.

since i don't have a specific beat i cover, i write mostly anything that's considered to be important and informative.

but to be honest, i really don't enjoy writing the stories on any artists regardless of their fields. i often get fascinated by their works, but their artistic expressions confuse me greatly. not only it's hard to put into words what they think and feel about their work but i almost can't understand them at all. their expressions are extremely complicated since they capture and see their work in their own world. it's as if they come from a different world from mine.

anyway, it's nice to get thank you cards like this once in a while. most korean people who want to be on the paper either abuse or take advantages of using the paper to advertise themselves.

i hate to deal with those selfish minded, self-centered, unappreciative people who think that they can do whatever and we will still publish their stories because they think they contribute something to our paper. i mean it might be helpful in many ways to broaden the scope of the paper, but they could at least can show some respect and humility.


so as i was thinking about how some people take advantages of my position and are never appreciative, i came to compare it with how often i really truly appreciate and feel grateful to God for what he has done for me in my life; i mean every little detail of my life. and although i know what's like to be appreciative to him in every aspect of my life, but how often do i neglect or take advantage of not giving him substantial thanks and express my gratitude to him for all the little daily miracles he performs in my life? so i put myself to be in his position and i realize how sad and disappointed he could be to see me being self-centered and forgetful of what he has done for me. i think he is merciful so he is not going to hate me for it but just be there for me no matter what i do and how i act, but he will wait for me to thank him and will love me even more if i show my gratitude through every little thing i do in my life.

so the lesson is that i need to be more grateful to God for his wonderful blessings in my daily life. and also be more grateful to others.

Romeo and Juliet

'Shakespeare in the Park'

made me laugh, cry, think...
and wanting to be in love.
......

the truth is,
in the end,
what else is more important in life than loving and being loved?

Free ipod for 10 min interview

a random interview less than 10 minutes about some bank products, and their special promotions. it wasn't even on the calendar, but was informed by a reporter friend of mine saying that i should go. so went with 2 colleagues, but the p.c was over. but did interviewed some people. and surprisingly as we were leaving, they gave each of us a new ipod shuffle. wow. sometimes i really like my job. ha.

Free Hugs Campaign!

we need more hugs. i definately need more hugs.

Ivy - 이럴거면

이럴 거면 날
흔들어 놓지 말지
이럴 거면 잘해 주지나 말지
이럴 거면 첨 스쳐가게 놔두지
너를 모르는체 살게 하지
떠날 거라면

원망해도 후회해도
널 향한 나의 사랑은
이미 엎질러진 물처럼
주워 담을 수 없어

날 울리려고 이러려고
날 사랑했니 너를 사랑하게 했니
멀쩡한 사람 왜 날 바보 만들어
버릴 거면 그럴 거였으면 왜 내 맘
모두 가져간 거야 조각나버려
이젠 다신 쓸 수도 없게

내 머리는 내 입술은
매일 네 욕만 하는데
나의 가슴에 눈물은 자꾸 네 편만 들어

나를 울리려고 이러려고
날 사랑했니
너를 사랑하게 했니
잘 살던 사람 왜 맨날 울게 만들어
버릴 거면 그럴 거였으면
왜 내 맘 모두 가져간 거야
누구에게도 이젠 다신 줄 수도 없게

너를 알기전 서로 몰랐던 때로
돌아가기엔 널 너무 사랑했나봐

잊지 못할 거면 이럴 거면
널 붙잡을걸
네게 떼라도 써볼걸
사랑한다고 너 없이 못 산다고
울릴 거면 그립게 할 거면
차라리 너의 곁에서 울려
볼 수 있다면 혼자 사랑해도 되니까
너만 사랑해도 되니까